Does anyone...

...Read this anymore?

I honestly think no one reads this anymore. Oh well. Spring break sucked... but i only have 8 weeks left in school.

My math teacher is now my best friend, and her kids Jordan and Ariel are quite awesome.

Life is good... Im working at Lily Flagg this summer.

You are my...

sweetest downfall.

Life is good right now. I'm at a good place at school. I'm ready for college. I'm happy.... finally. I am happy.

It took two years to realize that you WERE my sweetest downfall. i used to drive by central on my way home from Mayfair hoping that you would see me. But not anymore, i just go straight home. I don't need you anymore, in fact i never did.
My darkness finally turned to light.

The song that describes my mood:
It Ends Tonight- All American Rejects
Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.
A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain
The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this righ
tIt's too late to fight
It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light, It ends tonight.

Jane

Goodness knows I saw it coming...

...or atleast i claim i did.

So wow... I'm a young adult now. I feel old. My baby cousin is going into sixth grade next year. I'm 18. Im about to graduate high school. Im going to college next year.

I dont like being old.

Almost...

...Legal.

Yep, that's right... I'm almost legal. Not that it matters or anything. I turn 18 March 15th... this Thursday. I'm pretty excited. 18 is old... at least for me. I might get a tat... who knows.

This morning church was amazing. I went to two services, one at Mayfair, and one at the light. The light is like a church for people that split-ed from churches. Mainly Monrovia. I felt at home there for some reason, maybe because i was in kinda the same position as these people. The worship was incredible. Clapping, shouting, singing, raising our hands in the sky. The Light is a church in a wear house. Its old, hot, and small. And it really is a wear house. ha! It reminded me of central, only better. There were no politics at the light, it was just time to spend in fellowship with your brothers and sisters praising Jesus. I loved it.

Life is pretty amazing sometimes.

Her face is a map of the world

Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
-KT Tunstall

Sometimes i don't know why i fight for the things i fight for. I fight for friends, law, god, and politics. I often fight for things that aren't important. I rarely fight for my family... and i never fight for myself. When i do fight for myself people don't quite understand why i fight, but, i fight because it means so much to me. I was always afraid of being alone... but it scares me to say, I'm no long afraid of being alone. You can live life without love, or a spouse. I just really want someone to love me...

Jane

I'm not ready...

...to make nice.

Rainy days are wonderful. They make you think. They give you time. Rainy days are always the days that you either sleep, or catch up on some house hold chore. Today we got out of school early because supposedly there was going to be bad weather, but i knew better than to trust Huntsville weather men. No bad weather, just a little rain... actually a lot of rain. When i got home from school i decided to clean my car, then i watched a few more episodes of Grey's, then i threw a load of laundry in, and then i finally cleaned my room. Because of the clean car, and clean room... I get to go to Tennessee this Saturday to see my room mate. I'm excited. She seems really awesome, and i know we will have a good time.

Rainy days make you think of all the things that used to be... all the people that once were in your life. As the rain poured down at my house i looked out the window and though about all of my old friends/boyfriends and i wondered what they were doing at that moment... and if it was raining where they were, and if they were thinking of me too.

I needed a rainy day...
Jane

You are...

...My Person.

It's official... I'm obsessed with Grey's Anatomy! My sister got season two on DVD and I have already watched 11 episodes. I just love that show so much.

So today I did something really dorky... I made a packing list for college. I know college starts in August, but I am so ready to be there now. I'm over this high school thing. I'm ready for it to end!!

I love way too much. That's my problem. I love people way to much. I just need to stop having friends. ha ha!

Jane

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

EMILY!

It's my little sisters 17th birthday today! We are going to Phuket (poo-ket) for dinner tonight, and then we are going to see the play "Oklahoma" and Grissom tonight! I'm super excited, and glad to have such a wonderful sister like Emily!

Sickness...

...has taken over my body!

I'm sick like a dog! I've got a runny nose, a fever, and my cough is really pain full. Yet, I still went to school.... not on my own will!

It's times like these where i just want to fly to Europe and hang out with my friend Amanda. Just sit there and talk about life, god, and the future. We would eat cheesecake and drink hot chocolate. We would watch romantic comedies and cry at the stupid sappy parts.

I need a girls night.

Fly home Amanda....

-Jane

Amanda driving

Home...

I wanna go home, I've got to go home.

Graduation is like 50 days away... and I can't wait. One chapter of my life is closing and another chapter is opening. I really hate high school. Senior year was by far the best year though. It really sucks that i am making friends my own age at the end of my senior year. I tried my hardest to not make saying good bye too hard. But i know that it is going to be hard to say goodbye to my sister and friends. I don't know if I am ready to leave yet. I mean, I just got use to Huntsville.

My prayer life isn't as good as I want it to be... I'm trying father.

I couldn't ever leave you...

Jane

What Goes Around...

...Comes all the way back around


I just love that song! Justin Timberlake did a pretty awesome job on that CD!

So Winterfest was amazing! It snowed a lot and i played in the snow a lot! It was so nice to have a break with my best friends! We stayed in a super nice Chalet in Pigeon Forge! It was pretty incredible! It snowed so much Saturday night that we couldn't go to Sunday morning Winterfest! But I did get some awesome pictures.
This is Louisa and I in the grossest restaurant ever! It was super smokey and as you can tell from the tattoos on the waiter in the back... the service was awesome.

This is Louisa, Rieder, and Me eating the best food item ever... a super long corn dog. You really can't go to Gaitlinburg with out getting one of these things.




This is me in the snow. This is by far the best snow I have ever been in. So there is this little village place in the middle of Gaitlinburg that has the cute little cafe that serves the best cider ever!!! So after Louisa, Jamie, Carter, Tyler, Luke, and I went to this cafe we walked up this hill and we had the best snow ball fight ever. Then we walked up the hill just a little more and ran into a beautiful cemetery. The cemetery was covered in this thick blanket of white snow. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
Over all it was a pretty incredible weekend. It was just what I needed. Not much of a spiritual boost, but more of a life boost. I really needed a life boost...

Jane

How do you pack for a new adventure?

So on Friday I am leaving for Winterfest with Mayfair. I'll admit... I'm nervous. I'm not use to Mayfair yet, but i love it. I'm excited and worried at the same time. What if its different? Its a trip with people that I'm not super close to. I mean i have my 4 friends, Jamie, Britney, Louisa, and Rieder.... but that's about it. I just don't want to be left out. I'm so use to being in a youth group with people that know me and my faith. I have to start all over on this new spiritual adventure.... but i know god has something awesome in store for me. This whole changing church thing has been a great yet stressful experience. I am so glad to have Mayfair, but i still miss my good friends at Central. I just can't be at a place that doesn't believe in what I can accomplish. Central wasn't uplifting my faith.... Mayfair is. I know this is what God wants for me... and i know its the best thing for me. I mean... I finally know my way around that building, I can't leave it. Honestly, I don't think i will ever be able to go back to Central as a member. You know... I didn't get one call when i left... not one. I felt like I was un-wanted. There is a point when you have to decide what is best for your relationship with God... and at Central I wasn't worshiping God anymore, I was worrying. At Mayfair I feel free to worship, and that is an amazing feeling.


So today was a pretty sad day. It's hard walking down the halls and seeing people with their bears and chocolate. It's been a while since i have had a valentine. I mean, I love being single... don't get me wrong. Freedom is nice. But for once... I would like to get a bear, or chocolates... or even better roses. I think I'm ready for a relationship... but I'm not sure who. Relationships are super serious things to me... I don't play around. Ugh... I wish it would be Saint Patricks day already. I'm sick of this love junk.

Jane

SAD..

aka Single Awareness Day.

Valentines day... my least favorite holiday ever! I'm not bitter, i think i will enjoy having no date this Wednesday... but it would be nice to have a guy to cuddle with. It's been pretty lonely lately. I think its been so lonely because V-day is coming up. I see all the commercials and i hear about all the plans couples have together and it makes me sad in a way. This V-Day i will be spending at home packing for Winterfest, and watching Casablanca alone.

Be mine...

nothing more

nothing less

Jane

TGIF!

I'm so glad it is Friday. This week has been really eye opening for me... I'm just glad it is over!

I'm so ready for college... wherever it may be. I stayed up all last night thinking of ways to get out of Huntsville. But with the lack of money, i don't get so far! haha!

Today we took our senior class panoramic. Every little senior thing we do makes my seniorits worse and worse. I wish those 66 days would just come and go. I'm ready to graduate and get out of high school. I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.

So tonight my inner child is coming out and i am going to go roll someones house. I'm really excited. The person that i am rolling will never know it is me... i cant wait to see the look on her face.

Its official... I'm a Mayfarian. I love it!!! yay!!! I feel at home again. I get announced this Sunday and i go to Winterfest next Friday!

God is good... all the time.
Jane

Dear Friend...

...I steal small things from my friends to keep memories of how much i love them. I burned what i stole from you. I don't know why I let you get to me that much, maybe because you were the first person I ever truly let in. All i really know is that you affected me, changed me. Don't be proud. I never said that it was for the better. Sometimes you made me feel worthless. I was there when you had nothing and nobody. It's bad enough i still have to keep finding pictures and letters, places we've been together, friends we've hung out with... this whole city. I cannot escape. I've been scared of what life has in store for me for a really long time. But this year, this year and I'm going to stare at it right in the face and bear it. Because unlike you, I have courage. I probably sound bitter, and well, yes, I am a little hurt. After all, you were my best friend and I thought that you knew I would always care about you and love you whoever you decided to be. You have your boyfriend, college, your whole life ahead of you. Of course, I have my life ahead of me too, but it was nice to always have someone to talk to, someone to trust.
I could always count on you, and part of me wishes I still could. You need to take things for granted and learn that you don’t and can’t get everything you want. I never told you this, but I had a framed picture of you on my shelf. It’s no longer there because I need to release myself from this situation and it killed me to take it down, but I had to do it.

Friend, I want you to know that although we don’t talk anymore, I still love you. No matter how much you distance yourself from me I will always be there for you if you need me. We’ve gone through too much together for me not to do that for you. I know that one day you’ll have a wonderful career and be a beautiful wife and mother (despite how much you don't want to be one). Deep down you are a good person... just remember that. You will always be in my prayers.

I hope all is well

Me

Denial...

... can hit you at any moment.

I love taking showers. I know, odd subject... but i really love taking showers. In the shower I review my day, and i think about the past. Today I cried in the shower. I felt this overwhelming urge to let everything out that i have been feeling lately... and so i sat down in the shower and cried. Through the tears it finally hit me... I'm everything i hated. I'm the person that i use to scold. So tonight i am doing everything i can to mend broken relationships.

Casey Allison and I met today at her house to talk about "stuff". Casey is more than a friend, shes like a therapist to me. We have a very odd friendship. Mostly i just play with her baby while she tells me that I'm not a good enough christian. Which never makes me mad... because in my heart i know she is right. I don't drink, smoke, rarely cuss... but I'm not glorifying god. I read the story of Abraham and Isaac yesterday, and boy did it hit home. I started thinking of what i worshiped above god... and then i realized.... nothing. I don't worship anything above god, i used to, but not anymore. I'm not worshiping god though. Part of me doesn't know how to just give up and worship. Pray for me on that.

The word of the day is... Forgive. Webster's defines forgive as, " to cease to feel resentment against". I have so many people to forgive... and i really hope these people forgive me. While at Casey's house today she asked me if i haven't forgiven the people that hurt me for what they did... then why do i still take Communion? Shes so right. The bible says to not even to take Communion if things are worked out between people. I should have stopped taking Communion in October. Tonight i am writing about six letters to all the people that i have hurt, and the people that have hurt me. I don't know when i will mail them... or even if i will mail them. But i promise you this... you wont see a little cup of juice in my hand Sundays until those letters are mailed.

Jane

Dear World...

... Boys are STUPID!

I'm just waiting for them all to grow up.

It's hard...

deciding the outcome of your life.

Lately i have been second guessing myself on every important life decision I am making. For instance... College. For the past two years it has always been Harding. I love Harding, it is a great place, with great people. I know everything about Harding. I know which club i want to be in, and the people i want to hang out with, what dorm i want to stay in (each year), and even what places i want to hang out at. It's not a surprise. I mean, i could work for the admissions people. And that is what turns me off about Harding. It isn't something new or surprising. Part of me just wants to go to a college far away where i don't know anyone, or anything about the school. I want to start new. Maybe I still can start new at Harding. Pray for me.

This weekend i went to Montgomery for a "We the people" constitution competition. Our school got second. If only i had studied a little more we could of gotten first.... Oh well. I know it sounds queer... but the competition was actually really cool. I got to go to the Alabama State house, capital building, and supreme court building. I got to meet the Alabama Chief Justice, and ask her questions. Which brings me to another thing in my life that is changing... my profession. For the past two years i have always wanted to do something related with world religions or the bible. But lately i can see myself being in politics or law. Harding doesn't offer law. I don't know... so confusing.

The word of the day is: Future. Websters' defines "future" as "Something that will happen in time to come". As a senior in high school, I think about the future non-stop. I'm a little scared about the future, yet excited. I know many people that try to run away from the future, and start trying to live their life in what i call "peter pan syndrome". Peter pan syndrome is when you try to stay a kid forever. Of course i never want that to happen to me, i want to grow up, i want responsibility. I just don't want it so fast. The future is really scary... and i don't know how i am going to handle it.

In the words of Sheryl Crow:
Live it up, like there's no time left Just like there's no tomorrow
No reason to worry, even if it isn't goin' our way Forget about tomorrow, because all we really have is today

Jane

She asked me why i think they didn't let me go...

... I blamed it all on them.

Today i went to my old youth ministers house to just chat. I ended up hearing exactly what i didn't want to hear. I know that sometimes people can misunderstand you, and i know that sometimes you hear things differently than they really are.... but I'm sick of people telling me that it was all a misunderstanding. It wasn't... i understood exactly what was happening, and what people were saying to me. I understood it all. For the last time people... I am not running away from you, i am running to something better.

Mayfair is one of the best places in the world. The people there are kind and generous, and you can tell they really love you. Central is an amazing church, with amazing people. They are both wonderful churches. But, when i pull into Centrals parking lot... I feel sick to my stomach. I know what has happened there, and i know that it isn't the right place for me. I have said "sorry" to everyone i had to. I have fixed all the bad things that happened. I did not run. I left. There is a huge difference. I am not afraid of that place, or those people. I just have experienced a place that is better for me. Why would i stay at a place where i felt uncomfortable? Mayfair is a better place for me. Hands down. I just wish people would support me in this. I wish the people at central would encourage me in my faith, not beg for me to come back to their church. I mean honestly... does it matter where i go to church at? NO! They should be glad that I am even going to church.

I love Jesus... and Jesus loves me. And my relationship with God was being hurt at central... because i wasn't worshiping him... I was too busy being worried. I feel so free at Mayfair. I feel so close to God.


Jane

Prayer Requests
Keep praying for Reggie
Keep praying for Casey and Chris
Pray for my missionary friends in Belgium
Pray for my brother because he just started his job as an EMT

Guinn v. Church of Christ of Collinsville

I'm so excited to be there! I'm probably going to go down there this weekend, or at least i hope i can. I'm in desperate need of a road trip, and what better place to take a trip to then Harding... right? haha.

Today i found out about this lady that sued the church of Christ. How crazy is that?! Guinn v. Church of Christ of Collinsville. I was reading about it... and it amazed me how much the church of Christ still does that.

Today instead of a "word of the day", its going to be a phrase of the day. The phrase of the day is "tough love". Webster's defines "tough love" as "love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior ". I'm not sure if I believe in tough love. I look at scripture and i don't really see Jesus being one to promote tough love. In fact, Jesus gave is love pretty freely. He loves us no matter what. The Church of Christ generally believes in this idea of "Tough love". I think that's the reason why they have "dissfellowship". I've decided to "resign my membership" from central. It's not the right place for me. Their tough love didn't work on me... and it wont.

Below is a link about the court case "Guinn v. Church of Christ of Collinsville"... you should look at it.

http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/deliverdocument.asp?citeid=10494


--- go there!!

Prayer Requests
Reggie Sherrod is a 6th grader who lives in inner city Huntsville. He just got air-lifted to Saint Jude's in Memphis to start cancer treatment immediately. Please pray for him and his family!!! His mom went with him leaving his two brothers alone in the projects...
--- I personally know this child... and im shocked at what is happening.
Please Pray for my class at calhoun... pray that i will be studious
Pray for my walk with christ
Chris and Casey Allison are good friends of mine. They are leaving for Cambodia in the summer to do mission work for quite some time. Pray that while they are in Huntsville they will expand their knowledge and be prepared for Cambodia.

Jane

If life were a mix tape...

...my mix would be all about the past two years.

Today i drove to the house of the lady that pretty much ruined my church life. It's hard to forget the cruel things people do to you. Even the nicest people can sucker punch you in the gut occasionally. People tell you forgive and forget... but that's easy to say, but so hard to do. I've done some pretty awful things to people, and when its all said and done i really hope they forgive me. The chances of that are pretty slim though. I forgive pretty easily. I don't really hold grudges, and i don't really get mad that often. I don't actually know how to stick up for myself most of the time. That's one thing I'm really trying to work on... sticking up for myself. It's healthy to get mad. I mean, Jesus got mad. I want to get mad... I want to get mad at that lady. I almost got out of the car and walked up to her door, but for some reason i couldn't do it.
I hold back my anger in fear that if i let it out I wont stop being angry. I mean, i see what anger does to people... and i don't want that to happen to me. Not exactly anger, but stubbornness. I've seen multiple relationships end because of stubbornness. Its such a relationship end-er that its even on the divorce papers. The papers don't say "stubbornness"... but isn't that what "irreconcilable differences" means? Not being able to get off your high horse and work something out.

The word of the day is stubborn. Websters defines "stubborn" as " unreasonably or perversely unyielding ". Everyone is a little stubborn. To me, stubborn is just another way to say selfish. I mean, sometimes i think its good to be stubborn. If someone offers drugs to you, i really think you should stubbornly deny them. If someone wants to work things out in a friendship... i really don't think you should be stubborn. I mean, it all depends on the situation. Stubbornness causes people to NOT do things that they fear. Stubbornness will cause you to sit in a car instead of walking towards a door to fix a friendship. I think its time to stop being so stubborn...

... it's time to get out of the car and walk towards the front door.

Jane

Weekends are fun

So today was a pretty interesting day. I couldnt really sleep last night, so i was tired all day today. I was late to school, but it wasnt a big deal. And i figured out what my problem is with worshiping friends today. After two years... i finally get it. Its nice to have closure.

The word of the day is "Closure". Webster's defines "closure" as "an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality. " Closure happens a lot in life. After a bad fight with your parents all night long, you finally agree and have "Closure". Closure is hugging it out... or talking it out. Closure is a feeling of freedom. Closure makes you feel like weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. When you experience closure... you cant describe how much better you feel. Closure often happens in relationships, wether they be with friends or significant others. That sense of "I dont need them anymore, and its over." It happens when you realize your mistake. After a year and a half of trying to pin point my problem with my friend... i finally got it today. I realized what i was doing. As i was driving and i realized this problem... i had a feeling of closure. This closure will make me stronger. Closure allows you to move on with life...

...I'm so ready to move on with me life.
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Prayer Requests:
A jr. high girl at my old church is struggling in her faith.
Leslie Hanson is signing her army contract soon. Pray for her future.
Pray for me as i experience a new church.
Pray for all those seniors planning for college.
My sister got her wisdom teeth out... its really painful. Pray that she will be comfortable soon.
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Jane

New Start

For the past five years i have never kept up with a blog. This is one part of my New Years resolution. I need a place to let it all out. "Trust"... trust is an odd word. This past year i learned all about the word trust. I learned to trust no one. I know, that sounds awful. It's so true though. Thats my problem... I put all my trust in the wrong people. For some reason i have always felt like i need to open up to people more.. and that if i stayed quite about my problems than it would be wrong and bad. I was so stupid. I need to learn to how to keep to myself about things. So on that note... the word for the day is Reserved.

Reserved... guys like it, girls try to be it, reminds me of a librarian or that quiet girl in the back of the class. Websters dictionary describes "Reserved" as to hold in, or to keep back. It even says to hold back until the right time. My goal for this month is to be reserved about certain things in my life. I want to be a mystery to people. I mean, everyone knows me... and when i say they know me... they KNOW me. I hate being predictable. So for this month i am going to be reserved.

Postsecret.com is one of the most eye opening web sites i have ever seen. It has changed my outlook on a lot of thing. I mean, the whole idea of people sending their deepest darkest secrets on a post card to some random guy that will put them online is crazy. I'm working on my post card right now. What is it? I can't tell you... its a secret.

I'm not ready to leave home just yet. This is my last semester of high school... crazy huh?! I know that i am going to have to leave home soon, and i really am going to miss my family. My mom is an amazing mom, and i really am going to miss those little things that she does for me. My sister is my absolute best friend and i am really going to miss her too. I'm not too good at losing people... i dont know how im going to handle this leaving buisness.

I have decided that I am going to go on a mission trip this summer. I dont know who i am going with, or when, or ever where... but i feel like becauase i didnt go to China... I need to go on one. Mayfair is going to Baja and to City of Children. I might really like that. I really want to go to some where in Europe... maybe Belgium? Who knows...


For Now,
Jane