Denial...

... can hit you at any moment.

I love taking showers. I know, odd subject... but i really love taking showers. In the shower I review my day, and i think about the past. Today I cried in the shower. I felt this overwhelming urge to let everything out that i have been feeling lately... and so i sat down in the shower and cried. Through the tears it finally hit me... I'm everything i hated. I'm the person that i use to scold. So tonight i am doing everything i can to mend broken relationships.

Casey Allison and I met today at her house to talk about "stuff". Casey is more than a friend, shes like a therapist to me. We have a very odd friendship. Mostly i just play with her baby while she tells me that I'm not a good enough christian. Which never makes me mad... because in my heart i know she is right. I don't drink, smoke, rarely cuss... but I'm not glorifying god. I read the story of Abraham and Isaac yesterday, and boy did it hit home. I started thinking of what i worshiped above god... and then i realized.... nothing. I don't worship anything above god, i used to, but not anymore. I'm not worshiping god though. Part of me doesn't know how to just give up and worship. Pray for me on that.

The word of the day is... Forgive. Webster's defines forgive as, " to cease to feel resentment against". I have so many people to forgive... and i really hope these people forgive me. While at Casey's house today she asked me if i haven't forgiven the people that hurt me for what they did... then why do i still take Communion? Shes so right. The bible says to not even to take Communion if things are worked out between people. I should have stopped taking Communion in October. Tonight i am writing about six letters to all the people that i have hurt, and the people that have hurt me. I don't know when i will mail them... or even if i will mail them. But i promise you this... you wont see a little cup of juice in my hand Sundays until those letters are mailed.

Jane